King Marc of Elrich
By Lori Jaffe (with apologies to Hans Christian Andersen)
here once was a King Marc of Elrich, whose only concern was to raise taxes to support his ideas. No matter how bad the economic conditions in the kingdom were or how much the townsfolk complained, his only concern was getting more money from them. He reigned for too many years, raising taxes every chance he had.
One evening, during another election season, he sat with a senior staff person, Lady Debbie of Spielberg. Lady Debbie had been a longtime friend and advisor. She was such a good friend, that she had even tried to save the King from being term-limited while on her royal job. The King had endorsed her because he knew she would support his policies.
Lady Debbie of Spielberg
“I must have a new tax to support my policies. It simply must be done!” shouted the King.
Just then, there was a knock at the door and Lady Debbie opened it. It was Lady Julie of Yang, who had collaborated with the King in the past. As President of the Royal School Board, Lady Julie had spent considerable effort to push for full funding of the school budget, raising it by 8.2%. “It has been a very long, difficult, but also rewarding process for all of us,” she said.
Lady Julie of Yang
The King held up a report that showed that the children in the kingdom were not learning as well as those in other kingdoms. He was worried because the report did not reflect well on him.
Walt Whitman, the kingdom's top ranked high school, ranked 130 in the country.
“I am concerned,” said King Marc, “that we are losing the hearts and minds of the people. They are becoming unhappy with my rule. They are saying that they want to see the benefits of their tax money. I don’t know how to answer them. We must come up with something that will pacify them.”
And so they thought and they thought and then they thought some more until Lady Debbie suggested that they hire a couple of rascals to help them. King Marc and Lady Julie quickly agreed, for after all they were used to spending money on rascals.
In the morning, King Marc summoned his Royal Chief Administrative Officer, Sir Richard of Madaleno, and tasked him to find suitable rascals to come up with the appropriate public relations mumbo jumbo. It didn’t take long before Sir Richard was back with two rascals, whom the King thought looked familiar. Although he didn’t realize it, Sir Richard had hired the rascals from a previous scandal. They were currently out of work and so were very happy to get a new contract.
So, the two rascals set about trying to come up with the appropriate PR campaign that would give cover to the King’s tax and spend schemes. They discussed, and drew outlines, and paced around the room. And they rummaged through an old crate of political ads that had been used in the past.
The two rascals rummaged through political ads.
Then one of them gasped and said, “I think I’ve got it!” He wrote it down with his quill pen on a large parchment that covered the table. When the second rascal saw it, he rolled his eyes, and asked, “Do you think the King will buy it?”
“Not sure,” said the first rascal, “but I’m tired and it’s all I can think of.”
So, the two went to the King and presented it, carefully unraveling the parchment and waited, half closing their eyes, praying that he wouldn’t explode.
“What’s this? Oh, Yes! That’s it! Pure genius!” cried King Marc.
The rascals smiled with relief and gave each other a knowing look.
Then King Marc, called in Lady Debbie and Lady Julie, and showed them what the rascals had suggested. The King read it aloud, “It's for the children!”
The parchment
Lady Julie and Lady Debbie looked at each other and then looked at King Marc.
“Ahem, yes, well, it’s tried and true,” fumbled Lady Debbie.
“Yes, my Lord,” said Lady Julie, “Queen Hillary of Clinton used it often.”
Queen Hillary of Clinton - The Hill
Then Lady Debbie and Lady Julie shifted their feet uncomfortably, remembering that it was not Queen Hillary who had won a very significant election.
“Anyway,” said King Marc, “I like it. We’ll use it.”
And so, the King directed that a PR campaign would be done, with pamphlets distributed to the townsfolk, declaring that the new tax money was needed “for the children.”
There was a great parade, with the town crier calling out, “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! New Tax Coming! IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN!” The King and his advisors paraded down the main street, basking in the cries of support from the townsfolk.
All was going quite well until one little boy, who had been home schooled and therefore knew how to read and do math, spoke up. “But the tax money is fungible, it was not spent on the children as promised!” cried the little boy.
The home-schooled boy
Well, when the townsfolk heard what the boy said, they were shocked, but they had to agree. Two years before, “emergency” funding for the schools, for which the taxpayers absorbed nearly a 5% increase in property taxes, provided over $200 Million in additional revenue but much of that money went to the kingdom’s general slush fund, not the schools.
The government had deceived them, and now the townsfolk would have to take matters into their own hands. And so, they all went back to their homes to fill out their ballots for the royal election, vowing to throw the bums out.
The Royal Election Ballot
ChatGPT was used to create the images used in this piece.
___________
Lori Jaffe is the Party Secretary for the Montgomery County Republican Central Committee, Member of the Executive Board and co-publisher of the MCGOP Newsletter. She can be reached at [email protected]