By Lori Jaffe
(with apologies to the writers of Apollo 13)
It was a clear, sunny day, a good day to launch campaigns. Astronauts Will, Andrew, and Evan were seated in the MoCo Machine, ready to take off from the Johnson Space Center launch pad in Houston. There was an hour of tension as the crew prepared for take-off. Then finally they heard the countdown…3 -2 -1, LIFT OFF! And, as they experienced high gravitational forces, they knew that they were on their way.
(L to R) Will, Andrew, and Evan experience high gravitational forces.
When they reached orbit, they settled in for the duration of their flight. Each of them had jockeyed to sit in the commander’s seat, but Andrew held that seat for now. He examined the Official MoCo Budget Instructions that he had been given by the previous commander, Marc. The instructions were very simple and were the same as they had been since Marc had been put in charge eight years earlier: “Tax and Spend.”
The instructions had been known to all in authority and several of the experts had nodded knowingly when asked if MoCo should keep doing what it had been doing. Everyone knew not to question those in control, particularly in an election year.
The Official MoCo Budget Instructions
But times had changed. The MoCo Machine showed signs of age and was no longer the robust vehicle that everyone had once admired. So, when Andrew asked Evan to check the fuel tanks, it came as little surprise that the meter didn’t read as expected. What they didn’t expect, however, was that the meter would show that the MoCo was practically out of fuel!
The MoCo was practically out of fuel.
“How can this be?” asked Andrew. “Wait, I know, we can use the reserves!”
“What reserves?” asked Evan. “Marc already dipped into those!”
“So, what are we going to do now?” asked Will.
“Okay, Houston, we have a problem here,” said Evan.
“This is Houston. Say again, please.”
“Ah, Houston, we have a problem!” said Andrew, now quite agitated.
“We have a school budget in the Billions.
We have stagnant economic conditions.
Our unemployment is up.
The administration overhead is 45%.
We’ve got a county government that doesn’t follow its own fiscal policies!
We’re in a downward spiral! We’re spending more than we take in! We have a structural deficit that we can’t fix right now, Houston. We don’t have time!”
There was static in the communications line and then a voice came over the intercom,
“OK, MoCo, we read you loud and clear.”
“Well, Houston, we sure would like to get some help up here, you know, otherwise we may not be able to come back!”
A gloom fell over the three men as they hurtled through space. Andrew, Will, and Evan looked at each other and then stared straight ahead. In their minds each started to blame the others for what had happened. Although others had started it, each had been an advocate of progressive County policies that had caused this mess.
Will, who liked to be on both sides of almost every issue, had talked about taxing the rich as though the rich would stick around to be taxed. Evan was critical of how the system was operating, but voted for the budget. And of course, Andrew, with his reliance on development, had been focused on the wrong things. It had been their fault as much as others who had preceded them in office. Now they were on a trajectory that would send MoCo into oblivion.
“Go wake up Murray!” the Flight Chief yelled to a police officer stationed nearby. “We’ll need him to help us get the MoCo back safely.”
Murray was a quiet, unassuming accountant who knew everything about the MoCo fuel situation, and then some. It was 2 am when the loud pounding on his door woke him up.
“Quick Murry! MoCo is out of fuel, and we have to figure out how to get it back down to earth!” shouted the police officer.
The police officer pounded on Murray’s door.
Murray nodded knowingly. He had expected this for some time. He knew that MoCo had a structural deficit. The imbalance between revenue and expenditures repeated year after year. The only real fix was to change policies. Yes, Murray had warned the higher ups about this for years but since he was not an astronaut, no one wanted to listen to him. But, out of a sense of duty, and a little pity, he quickly dressed and was given a police escort to the Space Center.
There were several other accountants waiting for him, so it wasn’t long before Murray and his team came up with a new set of instructions for the crew to follow.
Murray and his team come up with a new set of instructions.
“Uh, MoCo, this is Houston, we have a new set of instructions that Murray and his team came up with. Let us know when you’re ready.”
“Roger Houston, what are they?” asked Andrew.
“OK,” said Murry, “here you go…
- Do not increase the property tax.
- Do not increase the income tax.
- Fully fund police, fire and emergency services, road maintenance, and trash collection.
- Cap the raises of county government workers to be similar to those of comparable counties in the region.
- Demand accountability from the school superintendent, school board, and staff.
- Preserve the reserves!”
“We can’t do that!” shouted Will. “It’s against everything we’ve done since we’ve been in the program!"
“Yeah,” replied Murray, “and where did that get you? Look MoCo, you’re going to have to consider something new, or you’re going to go down with the ship!”
Just then the line went dead. Mission Control had lost contact with the MoCo.
“Do you think they understood the new instructions?” asked Murray.
“I think so,” said the Flight Chief, “but will they follow them?”
“I sure hope so,” said Murray. “After all, failure is not an option.”
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ChatGPT was used to make the images in this article.
Original sources for images are: Andrew, Evan, Murray, and Will.
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Lori Jaffe is the Party Secretary for the Montgomery County Republican Central Committee, Member of the Executive Board, and co-publisher of the MCGOP Newsletter. She can be reached at [email protected].