(L to R) Dr. Leonard McCoy, Mr. Spock, Captain James Kirk
By Lori Jaffe (with apologies to Gene Rodenberry)
Star Fleet Command had decided to put their best personnel on the case, the crew of the USS Enterprise. Its captain and crew had proven to be adept at infiltrating a society to forecast its future, and if possible, nudge it in the right direction. The mission for Captain James T. Kirk, First Officer Spock and Dr. Leonard McCoy was to visit Montgomery County, MD, assess the inhabitants and prevent its collapse.
Kirk: “Spock, what’s the story on MoCo? How bad is it?”
Spock: “Captain, there are a lot of things wrong. During the last eight years, Montgomery County’s economy has spiraled out of control. They are spending more than they take in and have a $293 Million structural deficit.”
Kirk: “How could this happen? Gentlemen, the first thing we need to do is get an audience with their local government.”
Spock: “Yes, Captain. I have contacted the County Executive, the county council, and the school board. Most of them are actually running for re-election. They think we want to contribute to their campaigns. And Captain?”
Kirk: “Yes Spock?”
Spock: “My Vulcan instincts tell me that none of them are to be trusted.”
The next day, Captain Kirk, Spock, and Dr. McCoy met with County Executive Marc Elrich, Council President Natali Fani-Gonzalez, Councilmember Will Jawando, and school board member Julie Yang.
The meeting
Elrich: “Gentlemen, thank you for coming to beautiful Montgomery County! Our county is thriving. Our schools are the best!”
Spock: “Sir, Montgomery County Schools have lost their high rankings. Now the highest ranked high school is Poolesville, but it is 135th in the country.”
Jawando: “Gentlemen, I want you to know that I intend to continue to make our county safe for all residents.”
Spock handed Kirk an article that described Jawando’s own encounter with the police. Spock had written in the margin, “Opposes police officers in schools.”
Julie Yang: “I was the President of the Montgomery County Public Schools. If you donate to me, I promise it will be a good investment.”
Dr. McCoy handed the captain an article about how MCPS had to pay $1.5 Million to parents after losing its case at the Supreme Court.
Kirk’s eyebrows shot up, “The Supreme Court of the United States!?”
Natali Fani Gonzalez: “I proposed the restructuring of our county’s taxes. It is better for our residents.”
Spock handed Kirk a chart of how the removal of the ITOC tax credit resulted in a surge in property taxes.
Elrich (seeing dollar signs): “Well, we think we’re doing a great job here in the County. How much would you like to contribute?”
Kirk answered abruptly, “We’ll get back to you.” And with that, Kirk, Spock and McCoy left the meeting.
Back at the hotel, the Enterprise crew looked over their notes.
Kirk: “It’s obvious that they are acting in a very odd way. They’re actually proud of what they’ve done. What’s the matter with them Bones?”
McCoy: “Jim, I’ve asked a clinical psychologist to give us his take on what's happening here.”
There was a knock at the door.
McCoy opened it and in walked Dr. Phil McGraw, a trained clinical psychologist and former talk show host.
In walked Dr. Phil
Kirk: “Well Dr. Phil, what do you think is the matter with MoCo?”
Dr. Phil: “The majority of the government officials are suffering from group think. It’s a kind of collective delusion. While they differ in some ways, they are all in agreement on major policies that have no basis in reality. They can’t tax and spend their way out of this mess. And based on my research, it’s even worse than that – major leaders, like Elrich, and Jawando are supported by the socialists. There is a lot of overlap with socialist ideas, including 'rent stabilization', and 'criminal justice reform.' It’s as though they think it will be different if they are in charge.”
Kirk: “Yes, Orwell wrote about what happens. Oh, it starts out simply enough, under the guise of ‘equality’ but once laws are made, and force is used, the society has no reason to achieve, to create new things, to boldly go where no man has gone before. Is there anything we can do?”
Spock: “We can’t do anything overt that would change their course. But we can promote those that are running in opposition. I recommend a subliminal suggestion to the inhabitants.”
And so, Captain Kirk put out an ad on all of the television, radio, and social media outlets with a message: Montgomery County – Remember Normal. In the background was the subliminal message: “VOTE REPUBLICAN.”
The Ad
McCoy: “Do you think that will fix the problem Captain?”
Kirk: “I sure hope so, I would hate to see history repeat itself.”
He then spoke into his communicator: “Beam us up Scotty.”
“We’ll see in November if there is any intelligent life left in Montgomery County.”
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ChatGPT was used to create some images in this article.
Original picture sources were: Kirk, Spock and McCoy, Elrich, Fani-Gonzalez, Jawando, McGraw, Yang
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Lori Jaffe is the Party Secretary for the Montgomery County Republican Central Committee, Member of the Executive Board and co-publisher of the MCGOP Newsletter. She can be reached at [email protected].